Possible Scenarios in which I would be in a Band:

Idea #1

Band Name: The Empire Strikes Back

Premise:  A five-piece band including two members dressed as storm troopers that have come to save princess Leia (helmets removed), one band mate dressed as Chewbacca, a dancer dressed as Leia (not the one from "A New Hope" but the one that was Jabba the Hutt's sex slave in Return of the Jedi with the wicked-hot bikini).  The remainder of the band is to be rounded out by a "little person" dressed as Yoda who obviously would also be the keyboard player.  We would play a virulent mixture of death metal and jazz fusion (hence the organ). 

Album/Song Names:  Death Star, May the Funk Be With You, Ewok Shuffle, Lando's Theme, etc… 

Fan Base:  Pimply, overweight young males and nerdy, bustless females. 

Pitfalls/Criticisms:   Copyright infringement.  Constant nagging from "fans" pointing out the inaccuracies in our live show, i.e. the fact that the storm troopers and our version of Princess Leia aren't from the same film.

Poorly thought out costumes that make it nearly impossible to play our heightened form of Jazz Metal (the wookie costume in particular turns out to be too hot for drumming and must be retrofitted with expensive radiator-type bladder system just to keep occupant alive through the show).

Dwarf that plays "Yoda" often forgets essential costume pieces ("For Christ's sake, it's only some fake ears and a robe, Greg!") showing up in "street clothes" with face painted green.  This inevitably leads some underachiever to believe that Greg is impersonating a Leprechaun which then almost always ends up with a demand to be taken to a pot o’ gold.  In one particularly unsavory incident Greg's refusal to relinquish his "treasure" gets him thrown through a plate-glass window resulting in a number of stitches and several nasty skin grafts.  (Note:  This behavior is particularly prevalent on or near St. Patrick's Day).

After a show in Northern California the band is summoned to Skywalker Ranch by George Lucas himself.  Upon arrival we are outfitted with very realistic looking water pistols and taken to a sound stage that was used in one of the Back to the Future movies – the one where "Doc" and Alex P. Keaton are in the Wild West.  At this point we are roundly attacked and thrashed about by a host of "Sand People" with only impressively crafted squirt guns to defend ourselves.  We suffer a tremendous beating.

Fans constant referencing to "The Force" wears thin quickly.

Conclusion:  Perhaps too big a target to paint on our own backs.
 

Idea #2

Band Name:  Screwdriver Heaven 

Premise:  Based loosely on a response that my college friend Shelby Thomas uttered when answering the question, "What was it like to working at the toll both on the turnpike this past summer?" Screwdriver Heaven refers to Shelby's particular penchant for buying a half gallon of Five Alive before checking in for his shift on the turnpike and after displacing a measurement of said juice would then proceed to replace the lost liquid with a pint of Smirnoff Vodka, which he would consume throughout the duration of the "third shift" which he was hired to cover.  Bear in mind that this shift began somewhat promptly at 11 P.M. meaning it was very likely that Shelby already had consumed enough alcohol to give himself a "mean buzz."

Album/Song Names:  Throw 'n' Go, Chuck it and F*ck it, Workin’ at the Toll House

Fan Base:  Almost no one.  Perhaps some of Shelby's relatives that still live in the area.  People that are confused and think that this may be a sale for tools or a one-quarter turn of a flathead into the kingdom of God. 

Pitfalls/Criticisms:  Probably a little to vague and esoteric for mass public consumption.  Even though Shelby grew up in the Greater Tulsa Region, it is hard to believe that he might have left an impression deep enough to draw very many potential fans.  This seems like a workable solution at first, but upon further examination, one decides that it just simply does not flesh out.  Perhaps it is the antithesis of the "Star Wars" scenario.  After all, who can blame us for being gun shy after that fiasco?

Conclusion:  Poor marketing roots and worse musicianship make this premise a loser!


Idea #3 

Band Name:  The Husbands 

Premise:  Although no one in the band is actually married, some of them have been married before and some of them think that they would like to be in the future.  The look of the band is decidedly conservative including but not limited to ill-fitting sweater vests, boat shoes, and lots of Dockers-style pants (with pleats, of course). 

Albums/Song Names:  Town and Country (the minivan song), Tee-Time, Play Date

Fan Base:  Buddies from work, group is surprisingly attractive to gay men. 

Pitfalls/Criticism:   First and foremost, the band is horrible and we look like dorks.  Several members of the band have very demanding girlfriends who impose strict curfews, severely limiting the number of songs that we can perform in our third set.

Fans often chant:  "The Husbands are Pussy-Whipped."

Conclusion:  Going for an element of so dorky, its cool – we ended up with just dorky.

Idea #4

Band Name:  Sexual Predators 

Premise:  An attempt to ride the coattails of the wildly successful NBC news magazine series Dateline: to Catch a Predator.  All members of the band in addition to being accomplished musicians must also achieve "free" marketing and advertising by making appearance as a "perp" on program. 

Albums/Song Names:  Stop Tazing Me, Just Came Over to Talk, Old Milwaukee and Lube

Fan Base:  Old, bald guys wearing "coaching" shorts, gym teachers, select members of the priesthood,  confused Schwarzenegger fans who truly only wanted to find out more about the "Predator." 

Pitfalls/Criticisms:  Really?  Where do we start?  Besides being morally bankrupt and setting an example that even modern-day pop stars could be offended by, there is the constant and real threat of incarceration.  Parental humiliation/family disownment.

Conclusion:  This is a really bad idea.

  

Idea #5

Band Name:  Stolen Dan 



Premise:  A funk/rap/hip-hop group that employs in every song beats, hooks, or lyrics solely lifted from the super-duo Steely Dan.

Albums/Song Names:  Pretzel Logik, FM, My Old Skool, Reelin' in the Years (Bitch)

Fan Base:  Beautiful, enlightened, sexually tuned women – most which have advanced degrees.  Guys with tweed jackets and beards – annoying, but harmless.  College professors, record store managers, the latte-set, liberal intelligencia wannabes, softies, greenies, lefties, doves, crybabies, preppies, and breast-feeders. 

Pitfalls/Criticisms:   Almost none.  What could be better than dropping some actual knowledge over some tasty Steely Dan beats?  Plus, the fans are educated, courteous, and reciprocating.  Is there such a thing as too much intelli-girl sex?  Okay, one criticism – Steely Dan could get upset and attempt to exact some form of vengeance, but have you ever seen Donald Fagen and Walter Brecker – I am not scared.

Conclusion:  Winner!!!