It's Tough All Over.

Some people will tell you that the first million is the hardest to make, but as far as I am concerned, the fourteenth million was no Shakespeare in the Park.  While all around me I heard the cries of "recession," "layoffs,"  and the ubiquitous, "in this economy," I was struggling to find new ways to make money to support my irresponsibly arrogant lifestyle.

This year was rough to say the least, but its briny, water-tight seal left me with some real pearls of wisdom as well.  So, I thought that I might share these life lessons with you.  That was, until my agent informed me that I could publish and sell them for profit.

What I have been allowed to do is create a "teaser" of sorts to entice you to buy my forthcoming self-help book based on personal finance and absentee parenting strategy loosely titled, "Staying Rich:  Good Luck."

Yes, Dear Reader, I learned a lot in this year of global economic meltdown, and now you can, too (roughly 12-18 months too late).

Among my many realizations:

It costs a lot to be rich.  From the house staff that make my bed in the morning to the woman who applies my eye cream before I go to sleep at night, it seems like they all wanted even more of my income this year.  As I watched my investments in reality television programming and social networking sites soar through the roof this year, so too, did I see a marked increase on the invoices from yacht polishers, tiger feeders, saltwater tank divers, and watch winders.  I couldn't swing a rare Lichtenstein around without smacking it into someone asking me for a check.

Here are just a few of the ways the Universe conspired against me this year in an effort to keep me from making my fourteenth million:

Weird Science
As you were Keeping Up With the Kardashians and following with clinical precision the status updates from every person you ever made out with in high school, I hired a team of scientists who worked feverishly to synthesize a monkey pheromone that mimics the ones human give off to attract mates.  Ultimately this project failed and is now being sold as something called, Axe Body Spray.

Global Warming
Funny how polluting the air at insane levels for a mere 100 years or so can change the weather patterns of our planet.  Funny... and costly.  From a lackluster grape harvest in my Sonoma vineyards to the snow storm that claimed the bulk of my Ft. Lauderdale resort reservations, I have had it with the weather this past year.  Not to mention the fact that wildfires more than likely caused by lightning (thanks again, weather) threatened several of my California properties and forced me to continually have my car detailed due to a pesky layering of ash.


Gulf Oil Spill
Much to everyone's surprise, BP's disaster in the Gulf yielded what seems to be very little permanent damage.  Let's hope the same can be said for my 2500 shares of stock in their company.

There are few people who will be more happy than myself to put 2010 in their rearview mirror, although the name "Tiger" comes to mind.  But that is the beauty of the new year, we can wipe the slate clean, dust off our luxury sedans, and start again.