New and Improved?

It has been about three months since I left my career in an effort to improve my life.  A drastic measure to be certain, but I am an all or nothing kind of person to the core.  I will be clean shaven or have a beard.  I can be the life of the party or be quite reserved.  And sadly for those that share my life, I can be wildly excitable or completely sullen.

Since 90 days seems to be a good probationary period (you can tell I worked in a corporate setting by that phrase) I thought I would check in on my wish list that I compiled when I was trying to gather the courage to radically alter my life.  It is important for me to go back and look at my goals to make sure I give myself credit for achieving them.  Too often I accomplish something, give myself no credit, and then wrongly accusing myself of getting nowhere.  So let's give them a look...

• Time - I want lots of time to think and play and figure things out and create.  There is no more precious commodity.  Everything I desire hinges on time.  Time = Freedom.  I certainly have more time than I used to, but most of it is taken up with helping to raise my child.  Perhaps it was a bit naive to think that I could quit my job and just wander around the city.
• I want to walk around and look at things - study things.  Maybe I will draw them, maybe I will paint them, maybe I will simply marvel at them.  I have begun to slow down and pay more attention to my surroundings and this makes me very happy.
• Money.  I want ample amounts of money.  Money to live the life of my dreams, money to aid others, money to start foundations and charities, money to help myself and others.  This one is funny.  When I wrote it, what I really meant was that I wanted to have millions and millions of dollars.  But, being afraid of being perceived as greedy, I wrote "ample."  Well, I got what I asked for.  I have "ample" amounts of money.  I would like to restate this wish at this time and become perfectly clear, I want millions of dollars.  And I will probably want millions more after that.  For the record we have given money to aid others, donated to charities, friends, and strangers.  I want millions so that I can do more of that.
• I would like to ride my bike to whatever it is I call work.  I have worked odd jobs downtown for a friend of a friend and have ridden my bike to get there.
• I want to spend more time with my family.  Not in a creepy congressional scandal way, but in the real way.  I want to be around Cari and Grey throughout the day.  Have I gotten to spend more time with my family?  Um, try all day every day.   I have driven them crazy and on some days they have gladly returned the favor.  But, I will never take for granted the opportunity I have had to be with my wife and son over the last three months.  I am extremely fortunate to get to be this much a part of their lives.
• I want to be a great father.  I am a great father.  I make tons of mistakes and I get very frustrated and I say and do the wrong things ALL of the time.  But I apologize and I keep showing up.  I don't know a lot, but I know the secret to being a great parent is to be honest, loving, sincere, and above all, to keep showing up.
• I want to be the best husband.  I could stand some improvement here.  I am insistent, impatient, and sometimes short-tempered.  This is a goal that I need to focus on much more intently.  I am going to do that starting right now.

• I want to create.  I want to write children's books with Cari, I want to write essays, novels, and parenting books.  I want to receive an honorary degree from a prestigious University.  Essays, yes.  Haven't quite made it to the novels or the honorary degree just yet.  I did however draw a picture of my son's favorite breakfast foods the other day because I wanted to feel extremely clumsy and uncomfortable.  Here it is...
• I want to sell and market a line of greeting cards that Cari has created, I want to promote other friends and artists that I now know and soon will meet.  I want to show people like me that there is a way for them to have a good life and that there is nothing wrong with having a non-traditional career.  Good start on these items, but I need to really step it up.
• I want to give back.  I want to help those who need it and teach those that are yearning to be taught.  Don't know if I have taught anybody anything, but I have given back on occasion.  You just can't do enough of that kind of thing.
• I want to to be on CBS Sunday Morning.  Not yet, but I have enjoyed watching it when I have had the time.
• I want to be on NPR - preferably Fresh Air with Terry Gross.  No calls from the producers of Fresh Air just yet.
• I would love to be a good cook - not a great one, just a good one.  I am getting better at this.  Thank God I have a wife that will gladly try what I cook and tell me that she loves it.  I may not be good yet, but I have found that I love to take the time to cook.  I find it so relaxing and enjoyable when it is not restricted by deadline.  Like all other things, if you start to put time demands on it, I will instantly despise the task.
• I would like to travel - Western Europe, the parts of North America that I haven't seen, and then who knows where else...  Not unless you count Enid, Oklahoma.  However, I am about to help one of my friends out with his business and it requires a good deal of travel, so in the next few months this will change.
• I would like to be good at Yoga.  Ugh, so disappointed in myself for not giving this more attention.  Along with improving my husband skills, this task gets the lowest marks.
• I would like to be friends/colleagues of David and Amy Sedaris.  Hahaha.... not yet.  If you happen to be friends of theirs, feel free to invite us all to dinner some night.
• I am strangely interested in beekeeping - maybe that could be a hobby.  This one needs to be deleted and replaced with home-brewing.  Beekeeping, what was I thinking?  Making my own beer makes much more sense.  What do I need with honey?  I can't finish a jar in a year.
• I would like to live my life, write about my life and get paid for it.  The world is a strange and wonderful place and I think that there maybe aren't enough people keeping record of that.  I would like to volunteer to do that.  Duh, I am totally doing that (payment coming soon).
• I would like to make/restore furniture.  I have no skill that I know of that would lend itself to this, but I would like to give it a whirl, anyway.  I have done a little wood working now and I am certain that I would NOT like to do this.  I think that I was confused.  What I would like to do is appreciate and purchase furniture.  Specifically, of the mid-century modern variety.
• I would like to be smiling most of the time.  It should be said about me, "he is always smiling."  I am smiling s lot more now than I used to.  

So, how am I doing?  Not bad.  Change comes slower than I would like it to, but I know that I am becoming myself again.  I also must remember that it took quite some time to lose the things that make me happy, so it should be no surprise that it will take some time to re-program myself.  

Now, if I could just get off of my ass and do some yoga.

"I am the Way and the Truth and the...

... Night-Light.  No one comes to the bathroom except by me."

To say that I have a complicated relationship with Our Lord and Savior would be a gross oversimplification.  For all of those preparing to stop reading, give me a second.  It is not that I am a non-believer.  I believe in a "God Presence" very strongly.  I know, I know, that didn't sound right - don't click away yet.  Please let me explain.

Okay, let's go back to the beginning.  For those of you devout Christians whom I have already offended by restructuring your sacred scripture in order to provide a juvenile and only mildly amusing punch line, you might be interested to know that the first person to cast doubt of an all powerful Creator in my mind was one of your most talented and dedicated cheerleaders.

Her name was Marcy Hollingsworth and the year was 1984.  Marcy and her husband George used to pick me up every Sunday morning at 8:00 am so that we could get to the First Baptist Church in Perry, Oklahoma in time to have a little quality socializing (and some delicious donuts) before starting our Sunday school classes.  (Why 8:00?  Because bible study started at about 9:00 with the main service beginning at about 10:30 and going however the hell long the preacher wanted it to.)  Marcy was a Sunday school teacher as well as a volunteer at the church two days a week.  Her husband George was a Deacon.  Both of them spent the first hour of every morning in silence at the dining room table reading from, and attempting to gain a better understanding of, The Holy Bible.  Every morning.  The two of them were the most loving, caring, forgiving, and well, Christ-like people I have ever met.  They also happened to be my grandparents.

So, how could it be that such a faithful servant of the Lord helped to turn me away from Him?  Tough questions.  Questions perhaps that could only be asked out of pure curiosity and without agenda.  Questions asked by an eleven year-old.

One day after church I asked my grandmother, "Why do they call Jesus, the King of the Jews?"

She replied, "Because he was.  He was an Israelite.  That means that he was Jewish."

"Then... why aren't we Jewish?" I asked.

"Well," she said, looking over to her husband for some sort of ecclesiastical life preserver, "it's complicated.  Jesus wasn't Jewish in the religious sense, he was of Jewish heritage. You see, Jewish people don't believe in Jesus.  At least, not the way we do."

Whoa, wait a minute.  Jewish people don't believe in Jesus?  This blew my mind.  I wasn't even aware that there was a religion on the planet that didn't believe in Jesus.  I wasn't sure what the difference was between ours and the other 35 churches in this town of roughly 4,000 people, but never in my wildest dreams did I think that one of the major differences might be that some people didn't believe in the one Divine Being that you absolutely had to believe in to get to Heaven.  This sent me down a dangerous and disappointing path of purely scientific theory that would eventually find me a practicing (or non-practicing) agnostic.  No one could prove the existence of God, so how could I be a responsible person and still believe in Him?  

For a good deal of my life, as far as I was concerned, anyone who spoke of religion of any sort could automatically be discounted, if not completely dismissed.  I mean, enough with all of the miracles and the promises of eternal life, and the leap of faith crap - I began to feel sorry for people who pinned their hopes and dreams to the flimsy promise of everlasting life.  "Look at the world," I would say, "If there were a benevolent and loving savior, wouldn't I be driving a nicer car?"

These were dark times.

As I grew older, I began to make the distinction between Faith and Religion, and was ecstatic to find that for me, they could be mutually exclusive.  Except for a few funerals, a wedding here and there, and some brief Unitarian encounters, I have not been to a proper church service in well over twenty years.  I'd like to say that I would be interested in attending a church service.  Sometimes my wife and I talk about how nice it would be to go to midnight mass, although to be honest, my excitement for this is probably tied to the remembrance of "midnight movies" I attended while in junior high school.  

Sometimes I meet the most wonderful people and as we get to know each other they will mention that they are church-going folk.  Inevitably they will ask if I attend.  I always feel a little bad by saying I don't, and then I feel a little worse when I explain that I won't.  I suppose that there is something from that Baptist upbringing that still makes me feel guilty about not publicly professing my love for God and his Son.  For not witnessing to others and bringing them into the flock.  I just don't have that in me.  I can't lead people down a path that I am not certain exists.  

I am however growing more and more comfortable with the path that I am on.  My faith is based on trying to be a compassionate person, working on my judgement issues, and believing that there is some kind of sense to our existence.  What many people call God, I call the Universe.  What Christians call Jesus, I call Jesus too.  I don't happen to believe that I must profess my belief in his kinship to God as a means of entry to Heaven, but conveniently for me, I don't really believe in Heaven, either.  

What I do believe in is acceptance.  It was always the thing that appealed to me most about Jesus.  You can keep your walking on water and other assorted miracles, I liked that he took up for whores.  Because that is what would make someone different from the rest of us.  That is what would be described as an other-worldly characteristic.  Anyone who has recently defended a whore, please step forward.  No?  Me neither.

Whether or not there is an afterlife is of little consequence to me currently.  Whether or not a man has to take certain steps to gain access to it is even less intriguing.  Being a decent human being though, is a great challenge - and one that I can really get excited about.  Taking stock of this intelligent design that we are a part of and treating other people with respect is all the challenge I can handle at this point in my life.  And since God will never give me more than I can handle, I'll just keep working on what I've got in front of me.

It's Tough All Over.

Some people will tell you that the first million is the hardest to make, but as far as I am concerned, the fourteenth million was no Shakespeare in the Park.  While all around me I heard the cries of "recession," "layoffs,"  and the ubiquitous, "in this economy," I was struggling to find new ways to make money to support my irresponsibly arrogant lifestyle.

This year was rough to say the least, but its briny, water-tight seal left me with some real pearls of wisdom as well.  So, I thought that I might share these life lessons with you.  That was, until my agent informed me that I could publish and sell them for profit.

What I have been allowed to do is create a "teaser" of sorts to entice you to buy my forthcoming self-help book based on personal finance and absentee parenting strategy loosely titled, "Staying Rich:  Good Luck."

Yes, Dear Reader, I learned a lot in this year of global economic meltdown, and now you can, too (roughly 12-18 months too late).

Among my many realizations:

It costs a lot to be rich.  From the house staff that make my bed in the morning to the woman who applies my eye cream before I go to sleep at night, it seems like they all wanted even more of my income this year.  As I watched my investments in reality television programming and social networking sites soar through the roof this year, so too, did I see a marked increase on the invoices from yacht polishers, tiger feeders, saltwater tank divers, and watch winders.  I couldn't swing a rare Lichtenstein around without smacking it into someone asking me for a check.

Here are just a few of the ways the Universe conspired against me this year in an effort to keep me from making my fourteenth million:

Weird Science
As you were Keeping Up With the Kardashians and following with clinical precision the status updates from every person you ever made out with in high school, I hired a team of scientists who worked feverishly to synthesize a monkey pheromone that mimics the ones human give off to attract mates.  Ultimately this project failed and is now being sold as something called, Axe Body Spray.

Global Warming
Funny how polluting the air at insane levels for a mere 100 years or so can change the weather patterns of our planet.  Funny... and costly.  From a lackluster grape harvest in my Sonoma vineyards to the snow storm that claimed the bulk of my Ft. Lauderdale resort reservations, I have had it with the weather this past year.  Not to mention the fact that wildfires more than likely caused by lightning (thanks again, weather) threatened several of my California properties and forced me to continually have my car detailed due to a pesky layering of ash.


Gulf Oil Spill
Much to everyone's surprise, BP's disaster in the Gulf yielded what seems to be very little permanent damage.  Let's hope the same can be said for my 2500 shares of stock in their company.

There are few people who will be more happy than myself to put 2010 in their rearview mirror, although the name "Tiger" comes to mind.  But that is the beauty of the new year, we can wipe the slate clean, dust off our luxury sedans, and start again.

Possible Scenarios in which I would be in a Band:

Idea #1

Band Name: The Empire Strikes Back

Premise:  A five-piece band including two members dressed as storm troopers that have come to save princess Leia (helmets removed), one band mate dressed as Chewbacca, a dancer dressed as Leia (not the one from "A New Hope" but the one that was Jabba the Hutt's sex slave in Return of the Jedi with the wicked-hot bikini).  The remainder of the band is to be rounded out by a "little person" dressed as Yoda who obviously would also be the keyboard player.  We would play a virulent mixture of death metal and jazz fusion (hence the organ). 

Album/Song Names:  Death Star, May the Funk Be With You, Ewok Shuffle, Lando's Theme, etc… 

Fan Base:  Pimply, overweight young males and nerdy, bustless females. 

Pitfalls/Criticisms:   Copyright infringement.  Constant nagging from "fans" pointing out the inaccuracies in our live show, i.e. the fact that the storm troopers and our version of Princess Leia aren't from the same film.

Poorly thought out costumes that make it nearly impossible to play our heightened form of Jazz Metal (the wookie costume in particular turns out to be too hot for drumming and must be retrofitted with expensive radiator-type bladder system just to keep occupant alive through the show).

Dwarf that plays "Yoda" often forgets essential costume pieces ("For Christ's sake, it's only some fake ears and a robe, Greg!") showing up in "street clothes" with face painted green.  This inevitably leads some underachiever to believe that Greg is impersonating a Leprechaun which then almost always ends up with a demand to be taken to a pot o’ gold.  In one particularly unsavory incident Greg's refusal to relinquish his "treasure" gets him thrown through a plate-glass window resulting in a number of stitches and several nasty skin grafts.  (Note:  This behavior is particularly prevalent on or near St. Patrick's Day).

After a show in Northern California the band is summoned to Skywalker Ranch by George Lucas himself.  Upon arrival we are outfitted with very realistic looking water pistols and taken to a sound stage that was used in one of the Back to the Future movies – the one where "Doc" and Alex P. Keaton are in the Wild West.  At this point we are roundly attacked and thrashed about by a host of "Sand People" with only impressively crafted squirt guns to defend ourselves.  We suffer a tremendous beating.

Fans constant referencing to "The Force" wears thin quickly.

Conclusion:  Perhaps too big a target to paint on our own backs.
 

Idea #2

Band Name:  Screwdriver Heaven 

Premise:  Based loosely on a response that my college friend Shelby Thomas uttered when answering the question, "What was it like to working at the toll both on the turnpike this past summer?" Screwdriver Heaven refers to Shelby's particular penchant for buying a half gallon of Five Alive before checking in for his shift on the turnpike and after displacing a measurement of said juice would then proceed to replace the lost liquid with a pint of Smirnoff Vodka, which he would consume throughout the duration of the "third shift" which he was hired to cover.  Bear in mind that this shift began somewhat promptly at 11 P.M. meaning it was very likely that Shelby already had consumed enough alcohol to give himself a "mean buzz."

Album/Song Names:  Throw 'n' Go, Chuck it and F*ck it, Workin’ at the Toll House

Fan Base:  Almost no one.  Perhaps some of Shelby's relatives that still live in the area.  People that are confused and think that this may be a sale for tools or a one-quarter turn of a flathead into the kingdom of God. 

Pitfalls/Criticisms:  Probably a little to vague and esoteric for mass public consumption.  Even though Shelby grew up in the Greater Tulsa Region, it is hard to believe that he might have left an impression deep enough to draw very many potential fans.  This seems like a workable solution at first, but upon further examination, one decides that it just simply does not flesh out.  Perhaps it is the antithesis of the "Star Wars" scenario.  After all, who can blame us for being gun shy after that fiasco?

Conclusion:  Poor marketing roots and worse musicianship make this premise a loser!


Idea #3 

Band Name:  The Husbands 

Premise:  Although no one in the band is actually married, some of them have been married before and some of them think that they would like to be in the future.  The look of the band is decidedly conservative including but not limited to ill-fitting sweater vests, boat shoes, and lots of Dockers-style pants (with pleats, of course). 

Albums/Song Names:  Town and Country (the minivan song), Tee-Time, Play Date

Fan Base:  Buddies from work, group is surprisingly attractive to gay men. 

Pitfalls/Criticism:   First and foremost, the band is horrible and we look like dorks.  Several members of the band have very demanding girlfriends who impose strict curfews, severely limiting the number of songs that we can perform in our third set.

Fans often chant:  "The Husbands are Pussy-Whipped."

Conclusion:  Going for an element of so dorky, its cool – we ended up with just dorky.

Idea #4

Band Name:  Sexual Predators 

Premise:  An attempt to ride the coattails of the wildly successful NBC news magazine series Dateline: to Catch a Predator.  All members of the band in addition to being accomplished musicians must also achieve "free" marketing and advertising by making appearance as a "perp" on program. 

Albums/Song Names:  Stop Tazing Me, Just Came Over to Talk, Old Milwaukee and Lube

Fan Base:  Old, bald guys wearing "coaching" shorts, gym teachers, select members of the priesthood,  confused Schwarzenegger fans who truly only wanted to find out more about the "Predator." 

Pitfalls/Criticisms:  Really?  Where do we start?  Besides being morally bankrupt and setting an example that even modern-day pop stars could be offended by, there is the constant and real threat of incarceration.  Parental humiliation/family disownment.

Conclusion:  This is a really bad idea.

  

Idea #5

Band Name:  Stolen Dan 



Premise:  A funk/rap/hip-hop group that employs in every song beats, hooks, or lyrics solely lifted from the super-duo Steely Dan.

Albums/Song Names:  Pretzel Logik, FM, My Old Skool, Reelin' in the Years (Bitch)

Fan Base:  Beautiful, enlightened, sexually tuned women – most which have advanced degrees.  Guys with tweed jackets and beards – annoying, but harmless.  College professors, record store managers, the latte-set, liberal intelligencia wannabes, softies, greenies, lefties, doves, crybabies, preppies, and breast-feeders. 

Pitfalls/Criticisms:   Almost none.  What could be better than dropping some actual knowledge over some tasty Steely Dan beats?  Plus, the fans are educated, courteous, and reciprocating.  Is there such a thing as too much intelli-girl sex?  Okay, one criticism – Steely Dan could get upset and attempt to exact some form of vengeance, but have you ever seen Donald Fagen and Walter Brecker – I am not scared.

Conclusion:  Winner!!!