Interview with the Artist

The following is a pretend interview with a very real artist - it was originally initiated in early December of 2010.  Following a string of life altering events I sat down with Beau Matthew Adams as he tried to make sense of it all.  By "trying to make sense of it all", I mean to say that he was noticeably distracted.

So, I have been following your blog for a number of months and I have some questions about it.  Why the name, Kickball?
Good question, you know, you are the first person who has ever asked me that.  Two reasons, really.  One, because I wanted to convey how much fun writing is for me, and when I thought back to my childhood, I realized that one of the things that I enjoyed the most was playing kickball on the playground at recess during grade school.


And...
And what?


You said that there were two reasons that you named your blog Kickball.  What was the other one?
No, that was it.  Did I say that there were two reasons?  No, just the one reason.  That's it - just had fun playing Kickball when I was a kid.


Ooookaaayyy...  Well, let's talk about your childhood then.  You moved around a lot as a small child, how did-
Oh yeah, I remember the other reason now.  That's right - there were two reasons - I was right the first time.  The other reason was because nobody ever fucking reads this thing anyway, so who gives a shit?


I see.  So your early childhood, was it problematic to move so often?  Did it leave you with a sense of insecurity?
Yeah, there was a certain amount of "gypsy" to my family's existence, but I don't think that you understand that until you get older, you know?  I mean, I guess I figured that everyone moved around a lot until I met some people who told me that they had never moved at all.  I guess that is when I really started to realize that some families move around a lot, but some families pretty much stay put.

Interesting (sigh)...  So, do you think that has had a profound effect on who you are today?  On your writing style?  Or on how you approach your craft?
Well, perhaps...  If we could go back to the first question for a minute, I would like to say that the more I think about it, the more I realize that I really love those balls that we used to play kickball with on the playground. You know, those big red bouncy ones?

Yes, I am aware of the balls you are speaking of, quite a lot of fun, indeed.  What were you like as a teenager? 
I was a pretty normal teenager, I think.  I was full of self- doubt.  I always wanted to be someone else, that sort of thing.  I was quiet.

Were you a good student?
Not really.  I got pretty good grades for awhile, but then they kind of slipped and when I was no longer at the top of my class, I quit caring.  I wouldn't do any homework - I refused to spend my time at home working on school work, so I would work feverishly in each class during the day doing the homework that had been assigned in the previous class.  In the end, there was always some homework that didn't get done and I would try to finish that work on the day it was due during the actual class.  I would either whip right through it, or if I was too far behind, I would just copy someone else's work.  Inevitably, it was a horrible plan.

Did you enjoy college?
Parts of it.  I liked the coffee, doing crossword puzzles, and going to parties.  And I always enjoyed enrollment...ahh, the possibilities.

You were an English Major at Oklahoma State University.  Were you a good writer then?
No, but luckily for me, I thought I was.

Do you think that you are a good writer now?
No, I am not really a writer.  I just kind of live my life and try to transcribe it into the written language.  I am more like an inept stenographer than a good writer.

I know that you are also interested in yoga and music.  Are you particularly proficient at either of these pursuits?
I enjoy them, but I don't think that I am very good at them.  I'm the kind of person that is a little bit good at a lot of things, rather than very good at a few things.

How has that worked out for you?
Not that well.  It seems to be of more value to be really good at one thing than fairly average at a bunch of things.  There is not much interest in comprehensive mediocrity.

How will you make it work for you?
I am not sure - that's what I have been trying to figure out for my entire life.  I think that might be my life's purpose.

Why don't you just try to work on one thing and try to be really good at that thing?
I don't know, it's just not in me.  I don't enjoy just working on one thing.  I would be much happier working on a variety of things.

What if that doesn't exist?  What if that opportunity never presents itself?
First of all, let me say that I believe it will.  I guess that until it does, I'll just keep looking for it.  I'll just keep trying to find a way.  Maybe I can find a way and that will be an inspiration to others, to show them that there is a way.  I have a terrible feeling that there are a lot of people that feel the way I do, but would never even admit it to themselves.  I think that we toil in work because we invested time and money to earn a degree or master a craft, and proclaim to our families and the world that "this" is what we're going to do for the rest of our lives and we become petrified with fear when we get in the middle of it and discover that it is no longer enjoyable, or it has changed in a way that we cannot repair.  At that point, you can choose to leave it all behind, knowing that your efforts weren't wasted and that your knowledge will not be stripped from you, or you can continue to live in the fear of how the rest of the world will view you and put your head down, maintain your path, and ultimately come to some kind of peace while always working to quiet the "what-ifs" that tug at you.  It makes me sad that most people choose the latter.

So, you think that people who go to school, get a degree, and then pursue that profession throughout their adult lives are unhappy?
Not necessarily.  Some people just seem to know exactly what they want to be, and for them none of that is a waste of time.  However, I think that it is somewhat ludicrous to believe that the majority of 19 year-olds know exactly what they want to do every day for the rest of their lives.  I think what is more likely is that as a young person, you make the best choice you can based on the information that you have and then try to make it work for you as you go along.


You recently quit your high-paying corporate job to help your wife start her own business.  Is that the answer?
It's part of it.  It's not the whole answer, but it's part of it.  I was able to help her and get her set up on a path that gives her an outlet for her creativity.  That is of some value.

But that isn't enough?
No.  It was one of my goals, and certainly my immediate one, but I also need to find something that I enjoy doing creatively.  I also need my own enterprise or else I will just end up in the same spot of working to fulfill other's dreams.

Was it irresponsible to quit your job?
No.  It was not irresponsible, it was perhaps, irrational.  I have this quote that I like to try and remember, "To the rationally minded the mental processes of the intuitive appear to work backwards."  To me, it would have been much more irresponsible to stay in a position that I had become so unhappy to be a part of.

So, you have it figured out then?
No, not at all.  I am figuring it out as I go.  I have had to come to terms with that, but to think that anyone else is doing it any differently would be absurd.  Even the most self assured people are just figuring it out as they go along.  You have to become comfortable with that axiom.

What will you do next?
I am going to do all of the things I always claimed that I couldn't do because of my job.  I have to change things up.  It wouldn't do much good to claim that my job had held me back from accomplishing certain things just to quit my job and then not try to accomplish them.

What will you do for income?
Money will come.  It always does.  My only hope is to get closer to finding a way to marry my love of writing with my love of massive amounts of income and quality health insurance.

Are you scared?
Yes, I am.  Sometimes I am petrified and other times I am completely calm.  Ultimately, I am just banking on the calmness winning out...