Open Letter to my Neighbor in Apt. 204:
Sorry for last night. We got a little out of hand, and for that I apologize. You're right, people "our age" should be more responsible - and probably shouldn't be singing/listening to David Bowie albums at very high volume levels at 3 O'clock in the morning. And you're right, maybe I should have answered the door when you beat on it. But let's be fair, it was three in the morning, as you pointed out, and everyone I cared to be with was already inside of my apartment - so I think you can see where my head was at. Furthermore, you are a body builder (perhaps for a living) and as you might understand that can be more than a little intimidating.
When I told you to go "f*ck yourself," I probably went too far. For this, I am truly sorry. And I hate to think about the trouble you may have had starting your truck this morning - oops! And I know that it was wrong to scrape off the sticker of that delightful cartoon character urinating on a lesser brand of vehicle - and this is not technically your fault - but those are getting really old.
Additionally, those comments I made about your wife were off color at best and you have my sincerest regrets. But please understand that some of what I said may have been taken out of context. For instance, did you know in some countries people consider cows sacred? So you see, there are always two sides to every story.
Furthermore, I didn't really mean what I said about your kid. I am certain he/she is delightful and now that I am sober I can appreciate his/her need for rest. But once again, let's not jump to conclusions - many people would be happy to be called bat-faced. It is a term of endearment really. Did you know that bats can hear very well? Obviously, an allusion I was trying to make regarding our excessively loud behavior and your son's (daughter's?) inability to sleep.
Again I am very sorry for any trouble we caused last night and I will try not to let this sort of thing become a habit. Lord knows it was hell on me the next day, this I am sure you can appreciate. One criticism though, if I may. Next time, let's try to keep the authorities out of the matter. I don't need that type of heat, comprende? Also, just so you know, its kind of a pussy move. I am sure she would never tell you, but I bet when you did that, your wife thought, "what a pussy." Thank God your kid isn't old enough to have witnessed this emasculating behavior - you should really watch that shit or you might turn him/her against you in the future. Just a friendly parenting tip.
Okayyyy.... so I think we are straight. I certainly feel a lot better, and I am sure that you and your family do, too. Let's not make this weird between us, you know? I mean, I think we should talk to each other as little as we did before the incident, maybe less. Maybe think about moving - that could be a viable option. Or, checking into some sort of voluntary rehab for your obvious growth hormone addiction. Added Bonus: This might also help with the rage. Anyway, food for thought. Once again, very sorry
Best Regards,
Your Neighbor (apt. 206)
P.S. This might be a smidge awkward, but could you explain to the guy in apt. 205 that when I "keyed" his Lexus last night I was actually trying to do damage to your vehicle? I was obviously so drunk that I momentarily forgot what a redneck you were. Only later (too late, some would say) did I come to my senses and piss on your truck. Thanks a mill!
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