Open Letter to People Who are Unlikely to Respond.

Open Letter to my Neighbor in Apt. 204:

Sorry for last night.  We got a little out of hand, and for that I apologize.  You're right, people "our age" should be more responsible - and probably shouldn't be singing/listening to David Bowie albums at very high volume levels at 3 O'clock in the morning.  And you're right, maybe I should have answered the door when you beat on it.  But let's be fair, it was three in the morning, as you pointed out, and everyone I cared to be with was already inside of my apartment - so I think you can see where my head was at.  Furthermore, you are a body builder (perhaps for a living) and as you might understand that can be more than a little intimidating.

When I told you to go "f*ck yourself," I probably went too far.  For this, I am truly sorry.  And I hate to think about the trouble you may have had starting your truck this morning - oops!  And I know that it was wrong to scrape off the sticker of that delightful cartoon character urinating on a lesser brand of vehicle - and this is not technically your fault - but those are getting really old.  

Additionally, those comments I made about your wife were off color at best and you have my sincerest regrets.  But please understand that some of what I said may have been taken out of context.  For instance, did you know in some countries people consider cows sacred?  So you see, there are always two sides to every story.

Furthermore, I didn't really mean what I said about your kid.  I am certain he/she is delightful and now that I am sober I can appreciate his/her need for rest.  But once again, let's not jump to conclusions - many people would be happy to be called bat-faced.  It is a term of endearment really.  Did you know that bats can hear very well?  Obviously, an allusion I was trying to make regarding our excessively loud behavior and your son's (daughter's?) inability to sleep.

Again I am very sorry for any trouble we caused last night and I will try not to let this sort of thing become a habit.     Lord knows it was hell on me the next day, this I am sure you can appreciate.  One criticism though, if I may.  Next time, let's try to keep the authorities out of the matter.  I don't need that type of heat, comprende?  Also, just so you know, its kind of a pussy move.  I am sure she would never tell you, but I bet when you did that, your wife thought, "what a pussy."  Thank God your kid isn't old enough to have witnessed this emasculating behavior - you should really watch that shit or you might turn him/her against you in the future.  Just a friendly parenting tip.

Okayyyy.... so I think we are straight.  I certainly feel a lot better, and I am sure that you and your family do, too.  Let's not make this weird between us, you know?  I mean, I think we should talk to each other as little as we did before the incident, maybe less.  Maybe think about moving - that could be a viable option.  Or, checking into some sort of voluntary rehab for your obvious growth hormone addiction.  Added Bonus:  This might also help with the rage.  Anyway, food for thought.  Once again, very sorry

Best Regards,

Your Neighbor (apt. 206)

P.S.  This might be a smidge awkward, but could you explain to the guy in apt. 205 that when I "keyed" his Lexus last night I was actually trying to do damage to your vehicle?  I was obviously so drunk that I momentarily forgot what a redneck you were.  Only later (too late, some would say) did I come to my senses and piss on your truck.  Thanks a mill!

Tuesday’s Tip (Friday Edition!)

Intended Audience:  All Salespersons

Tool:  Possibly You!

Tip:  Making it Through the Day.

When you get to work and start your day, do you feel a little nauseous?  Don’t worry, that upset stomach will soon be replaced with bone-crushing rage.

Morning

In order to get things off to a good start, greet your co-workers with a smile and a brief salutation as you enter the building.  Nothing fancy, just a simple, “Good morning,” will suffice.

This should be enough to elicit responses of anger from several of your workmates.  And with that, the day has begun!

Make sure that you check all of your phone messages and e-mail before you get sidetracked with paperwork issues.  Although most of these messages will be from irate morons (trust me on this one) go ahead and dive right into them.  The sooner you start addressing these issues, the sooner these people can find another reason to hate your guts.  As you contact these angry customers, remember to shelf all sense of compassion and understanding.  Just because we screwed them over doesn’t make them special.  It just makes them screwed.  “Welcome to [Your Company Name Here], Sir or Madam!”

After addressing your soon-to-be former clients, take some time to go to the restroom and wash your face.  There, now doesn’t that feel better?  That was a little human decency that just went down the drain.  Remember to wash your hands...

Next, make a mad rush back to your work station and start to gather about half of the things that you will need for today’s work in the field.  Sure, it would be nice to have everything you need, but you have about two minutes before your first appointment.  Damn, those clients can be real time vampires!

Pile all of your crap into your “mobile office” (read:  automobile) and start the engine.  Before backing up (but, after spilling your coffee) take a few seconds to look in the rearview mirror.  This accomplishes two things:  1)  You can make sure that there are no cripplingly large trash trucks barreling down on you and 2)  it will give you time to stare into your own eyes and see if you can still see a glimmer of your soul in there.  What’s that?  You say you can’t see it?  Good!  Perfect time to start your day.

Appointments

Personally, I am a firm believer that the first appointment sets the tone for the whole day.  So, if possible, I try to schedule a “friendly” client or someone who needs me more than I need them first thing.  

After this successful meeting you should be recharged and feeling good about your day.  This feeling will last about five minutes or however long it takes to check your new messages/missed calls on your phone, whichever comes first.  (Note:  If you are having problems in your personal life, you should not expect the same long-lasting effect.)

Next, find the nearest convenience store.  You will need to use the bathroom!  This will also be a great opportunity to consider taking up smoking/eating junk food again.  

After a few more appointments, you find you are cruising through your day.  Have you helped anyone today?  Have you made the world a better place?  Best not to concern yourself with these questions.  Philosophy such as this can lead us down a dark path and is best left to college classrooms and psychiatrist’s offices.  Besides, it’s lunch time!

Lunch

Lunch can be the best part of a salesperson’s day.  There are two ways to approach this exercise.  You can take a client which will provide companionship and possibly lead to building a more meaningful business relationship, or you can eat alone and enjoy the peace and quiet.  Personally, I prefer neither.  

Afternoon

After lunch it is time to sit in a parking lot and make some phone calls.  “But who will I call?” you ask.  Don’t worry, if you are doing your job right, there should be no shortage of upset people to talk to. Catching them right after lunch is a truly savvy business move, and one that is too often ignored.  Often times people have over eaten and are in a sort of food coma, therefore somewhat more open to suggestion.  Additionally, most of their own workloads have expanded to the point where they can’t possibly deal with another moron at that moment.  Congratulations!  You’re that moron!

Back to the Office

Late afternoon is a great time to take a step back and look at your day.  A time to assess your sales practices and really take a close look at what worked and what didn’t.  Late afternoon is also the most ideal time to plan your next few working days.  But you don’t have time for any of that.  It’s time to do paperwork, and lots of it!  Because, even though your company may have the income revenue equal to the GNP of several small European countries, you still have to write out everything by hand.  

Homeward Bound

Leaving the office at the end of the day has its own potential pitfalls.  Here are some tips for the successful salesperson.  Leave the office as quietly as possible, making sure not to arouse any suspicion, you may even want to remove your shoes if your workplace is not carpeted.  This will insure that you exit virtually unnoticed.  Avoiding eye contact is essential because it keeps people from putting more work on you and it keeps you from feeling bad about others having to stay.  Sure it would be nice to say something like, “Have a great weekend,” but you can’t open yourself up to spending part of yours at the office.  Besides, nobody likes you that much, anyway.

Driving home, be sure to look at other people doing the same thing and try to decide if you had a better day/week than them based on pure superficialities.  Compare your automobile, square footage of your home, school districts, proximity of your neighborhood to fine dining and shopping establishments. Decide if all of these things are a good trade for your soul.  They are?  Then you, my friend, have a future in sales!!!

Tuesday’s Tip is a communications guide produced by the Corporate Communications Department. It conveys information on a broad range of topics including correct grammar, effective email and provides me the opportunity to mock your very existence. Its purpose is not merely to inform you, but to inspire you! And on occasion, to make you laugh.