It's Tough All Over.

Some people will tell you that the first million is the hardest to make, but as far as I am concerned, the fourteenth million was no Shakespeare in the Park.  While all around me I heard the cries of "recession," "layoffs,"  and the ubiquitous, "in this economy," I was struggling to find new ways to make money to support my irresponsibly arrogant lifestyle.

This year was rough to say the least, but its briny, water-tight seal left me with some real pearls of wisdom as well.  So, I thought that I might share these life lessons with you.  That was, until my agent informed me that I could publish and sell them for profit.

What I have been allowed to do is create a "teaser" of sorts to entice you to buy my forthcoming self-help book based on personal finance and absentee parenting strategy loosely titled, "Staying Rich:  Good Luck."

Yes, Dear Reader, I learned a lot in this year of global economic meltdown, and now you can, too (roughly 12-18 months too late).

Among my many realizations:

It costs a lot to be rich.  From the house staff that make my bed in the morning to the woman who applies my eye cream before I go to sleep at night, it seems like they all wanted even more of my income this year.  As I watched my investments in reality television programming and social networking sites soar through the roof this year, so too, did I see a marked increase on the invoices from yacht polishers, tiger feeders, saltwater tank divers, and watch winders.  I couldn't swing a rare Lichtenstein around without smacking it into someone asking me for a check.

Here are just a few of the ways the Universe conspired against me this year in an effort to keep me from making my fourteenth million:

Weird Science
As you were Keeping Up With the Kardashians and following with clinical precision the status updates from every person you ever made out with in high school, I hired a team of scientists who worked feverishly to synthesize a monkey pheromone that mimics the ones human give off to attract mates.  Ultimately this project failed and is now being sold as something called, Axe Body Spray.

Global Warming
Funny how polluting the air at insane levels for a mere 100 years or so can change the weather patterns of our planet.  Funny... and costly.  From a lackluster grape harvest in my Sonoma vineyards to the snow storm that claimed the bulk of my Ft. Lauderdale resort reservations, I have had it with the weather this past year.  Not to mention the fact that wildfires more than likely caused by lightning (thanks again, weather) threatened several of my California properties and forced me to continually have my car detailed due to a pesky layering of ash.


Gulf Oil Spill
Much to everyone's surprise, BP's disaster in the Gulf yielded what seems to be very little permanent damage.  Let's hope the same can be said for my 2500 shares of stock in their company.

There are few people who will be more happy than myself to put 2010 in their rearview mirror, although the name "Tiger" comes to mind.  But that is the beauty of the new year, we can wipe the slate clean, dust off our luxury sedans, and start again.

Possible Scenarios in which I would be in a Band:

Idea #1

Band Name: The Empire Strikes Back

Premise:  A five-piece band including two members dressed as storm troopers that have come to save princess Leia (helmets removed), one band mate dressed as Chewbacca, a dancer dressed as Leia (not the one from "A New Hope" but the one that was Jabba the Hutt's sex slave in Return of the Jedi with the wicked-hot bikini).  The remainder of the band is to be rounded out by a "little person" dressed as Yoda who obviously would also be the keyboard player.  We would play a virulent mixture of death metal and jazz fusion (hence the organ). 

Album/Song Names:  Death Star, May the Funk Be With You, Ewok Shuffle, Lando's Theme, etc… 

Fan Base:  Pimply, overweight young males and nerdy, bustless females. 

Pitfalls/Criticisms:   Copyright infringement.  Constant nagging from "fans" pointing out the inaccuracies in our live show, i.e. the fact that the storm troopers and our version of Princess Leia aren't from the same film.

Poorly thought out costumes that make it nearly impossible to play our heightened form of Jazz Metal (the wookie costume in particular turns out to be too hot for drumming and must be retrofitted with expensive radiator-type bladder system just to keep occupant alive through the show).

Dwarf that plays "Yoda" often forgets essential costume pieces ("For Christ's sake, it's only some fake ears and a robe, Greg!") showing up in "street clothes" with face painted green.  This inevitably leads some underachiever to believe that Greg is impersonating a Leprechaun which then almost always ends up with a demand to be taken to a pot o’ gold.  In one particularly unsavory incident Greg's refusal to relinquish his "treasure" gets him thrown through a plate-glass window resulting in a number of stitches and several nasty skin grafts.  (Note:  This behavior is particularly prevalent on or near St. Patrick's Day).

After a show in Northern California the band is summoned to Skywalker Ranch by George Lucas himself.  Upon arrival we are outfitted with very realistic looking water pistols and taken to a sound stage that was used in one of the Back to the Future movies – the one where "Doc" and Alex P. Keaton are in the Wild West.  At this point we are roundly attacked and thrashed about by a host of "Sand People" with only impressively crafted squirt guns to defend ourselves.  We suffer a tremendous beating.

Fans constant referencing to "The Force" wears thin quickly.

Conclusion:  Perhaps too big a target to paint on our own backs.
 

Idea #2

Band Name:  Screwdriver Heaven 

Premise:  Based loosely on a response that my college friend Shelby Thomas uttered when answering the question, "What was it like to working at the toll both on the turnpike this past summer?" Screwdriver Heaven refers to Shelby's particular penchant for buying a half gallon of Five Alive before checking in for his shift on the turnpike and after displacing a measurement of said juice would then proceed to replace the lost liquid with a pint of Smirnoff Vodka, which he would consume throughout the duration of the "third shift" which he was hired to cover.  Bear in mind that this shift began somewhat promptly at 11 P.M. meaning it was very likely that Shelby already had consumed enough alcohol to give himself a "mean buzz."

Album/Song Names:  Throw 'n' Go, Chuck it and F*ck it, Workin’ at the Toll House

Fan Base:  Almost no one.  Perhaps some of Shelby's relatives that still live in the area.  People that are confused and think that this may be a sale for tools or a one-quarter turn of a flathead into the kingdom of God. 

Pitfalls/Criticisms:  Probably a little to vague and esoteric for mass public consumption.  Even though Shelby grew up in the Greater Tulsa Region, it is hard to believe that he might have left an impression deep enough to draw very many potential fans.  This seems like a workable solution at first, but upon further examination, one decides that it just simply does not flesh out.  Perhaps it is the antithesis of the "Star Wars" scenario.  After all, who can blame us for being gun shy after that fiasco?

Conclusion:  Poor marketing roots and worse musicianship make this premise a loser!


Idea #3 

Band Name:  The Husbands 

Premise:  Although no one in the band is actually married, some of them have been married before and some of them think that they would like to be in the future.  The look of the band is decidedly conservative including but not limited to ill-fitting sweater vests, boat shoes, and lots of Dockers-style pants (with pleats, of course). 

Albums/Song Names:  Town and Country (the minivan song), Tee-Time, Play Date

Fan Base:  Buddies from work, group is surprisingly attractive to gay men. 

Pitfalls/Criticism:   First and foremost, the band is horrible and we look like dorks.  Several members of the band have very demanding girlfriends who impose strict curfews, severely limiting the number of songs that we can perform in our third set.

Fans often chant:  "The Husbands are Pussy-Whipped."

Conclusion:  Going for an element of so dorky, its cool – we ended up with just dorky.

Idea #4

Band Name:  Sexual Predators 

Premise:  An attempt to ride the coattails of the wildly successful NBC news magazine series Dateline: to Catch a Predator.  All members of the band in addition to being accomplished musicians must also achieve "free" marketing and advertising by making appearance as a "perp" on program. 

Albums/Song Names:  Stop Tazing Me, Just Came Over to Talk, Old Milwaukee and Lube

Fan Base:  Old, bald guys wearing "coaching" shorts, gym teachers, select members of the priesthood,  confused Schwarzenegger fans who truly only wanted to find out more about the "Predator." 

Pitfalls/Criticisms:  Really?  Where do we start?  Besides being morally bankrupt and setting an example that even modern-day pop stars could be offended by, there is the constant and real threat of incarceration.  Parental humiliation/family disownment.

Conclusion:  This is a really bad idea.

  

Idea #5

Band Name:  Stolen Dan 



Premise:  A funk/rap/hip-hop group that employs in every song beats, hooks, or lyrics solely lifted from the super-duo Steely Dan.

Albums/Song Names:  Pretzel Logik, FM, My Old Skool, Reelin' in the Years (Bitch)

Fan Base:  Beautiful, enlightened, sexually tuned women – most which have advanced degrees.  Guys with tweed jackets and beards – annoying, but harmless.  College professors, record store managers, the latte-set, liberal intelligencia wannabes, softies, greenies, lefties, doves, crybabies, preppies, and breast-feeders. 

Pitfalls/Criticisms:   Almost none.  What could be better than dropping some actual knowledge over some tasty Steely Dan beats?  Plus, the fans are educated, courteous, and reciprocating.  Is there such a thing as too much intelli-girl sex?  Okay, one criticism – Steely Dan could get upset and attempt to exact some form of vengeance, but have you ever seen Donald Fagen and Walter Brecker – I am not scared.

Conclusion:  Winner!!!

From the Mouths of Babes

You have to know Grey's granddad to understand this story, so here goes:

He is a man that would lose his keys every single day of his life if he didn't put them in the same place every time he took them out of his pocket.  So, he puts them in the same place every single day and has never once lost them.  He is the kind of person who you are not allowed to speak to until 20-30 minutes after he has come home because he rushes immediately to his office to jot down a reminder on a legal pad or make a note of something he has heard on the radio or read in the paper that he doesn't want to forget.  He then proceeds to write thank you notes or letters of encouragement to friends and return every single phone call that he has said he would return.  Then, and only then, will he exit his office and proceed with your typical welcome home type stuff.

At this point you have less than five minutes to hold his attention on any pressing matter as all he can think about is briskly walking through the kitchen, sliding past the living room, and into his bedroom to change into his running gear.  If anyone is standing adjacent to his path, he will ask them how their day went, or maybe how their job was going, or he may even ask them for their opinion on some new restaurant downtown.  If you use more than three words in your description you are wasting your breath.  He is already gone - if not physically, certainly mentally.  If you say anything negative, you have lost him - this is a man who claims that he has never been ill, nor has he ever had a bad day at work, and he has zero interest in hearing about yours.  He didn't really want to talk to you at all, but he considers himself too much of a gentleman to walk through a room and not acknowledge your very existence.

Next, he is going running.  It does not matter what the weather, it does not matter what plans you have, or that you might need five seconds of his time (my mother has literally unloaded furniture by herself as he ran by saying, "That's a nice looking wingback chair."), you are not getting it.  The trail is.  He has run almost every single day of his life for the last 30 years and you are not important enough to keep that from happening on this or any other day.  If you think that you are, or you think that today is special, you are about to get your feelings hurt because it is not happening.

When he gets back from his love affair with the River Parks and his beloved trail, he is going to take a shower without waiting for one second to do it.  There will be no replacement of burnt out light bulbs, there will be no hanging of my mother's many holiday flags, there will be no prolonged chit-chatting with the neighbors on the front lawn or otherwise.  There will be a shower and it will be now.

After the shower there are a few minutes in which he may engage with you while he eats, most often while standing, in the kitchen.  At this point you may feel like you can really have a conversation with him and sometimes you are right.  Other times you will find yourself answering a question to the refrigerator because he has exited without whatever information you were asked to convey to him.  My mother starts to answer a question and then proceeds to sprint down the hall toward his office, her volume increasing as if she is having a conversation with someone that is standing on an elevator whose doors are closing. Either that or she prattles on and on about something and just as she starts to enjoy the sound of her own voice, she hears his office door shut and realizes she has been holding an audience with thin air for minutes.

Throughout the rest of the evening, my son's granddad will exit his office intermittently for food, something to drink, or perhaps to let you know that there is something more interesting on television than what you have chosen to watch.  The way he lets you know this is by entering the room and changing the channel on the television that you are watching.  And rest assured, if there is an HD version of the channel he wishes for you to enjoy, the television will not be on it.  He claims to not see any difference, so he hasn't bothered to memorize the channel numbers.

But despite all of this, there are the sweet things, too.  He loves my wife and is proud to share an inside joke with her about their common astrological sign, Scorpio, and how that totally lets him off the hook for being a recluse.  He thinks that my mother is the most beautiful woman in the world and never fails to mention it.  He is the most protective and proud of my little brother, and in ancient times he would have been designated the Patron Saint of House Cats for the love, care, and rescue of some of God's most wonderful creatures.  He cares deeply about the treatment of minorities and the disenfranchised and starts guerrilla campaigns with the followers of his radio program to strip the city of misplaced election signs during voting season.  Memorial Day will find him in a graveyard placing small flags next to the plaques of the men and women who have died for their country and our freedom.  And about the only thing that is allowed to get in the way of his daily run is an opportunity to stop, pet, and ask the name of a dog that he meets along the path.

And then there is Grey, his grandson. He is absolutely over the moon about his grandson.  At ten months old, my son is the proud owner of batting gloves, a radio flyer wagon, just about every children's book that can be purchased, a trailer that can be pulled by my bicycle, and slightly more of his granddad's attention than any of the rest of us have been able to hold.  Having never had any siblings or children of his own, I would say that granddad has done very well with Grey.  He is a natural at holding and playing, if not the best at consoling.  He is constantly amazed with Grey's development and is thinking of him on an hourly basis.  He even mentioned him on his radio program the other day, which is more than I can say for the rest of us.

A few days ago my son strung together his first multi-syllabic word.  To non-parents this will mean very little, but to anyone who has raised a child from infancy, it is understood that this is a milestone.  One that denotes complex speaking patterns and advancing brain development.  And when you have a child, you get very excited when these words come out of their mouth as they tend to become some sort of bizarre affirmation that you have not yet screwed him or her up completely.  Are you ready for the word?  The one whose utterance simultaneously fills me with pride and laughter?  Here it is:  "bubo."  (pronunciation: buh-bo)

Okay, so technically it is not a word, but it is two syllables strung together.  And not accidentally, either. He says it all the time.  What he means by it we have no fucking idea, but that's not the point really.  It is the first word he says in the morning and the last one he says at night.  A few evenings ago, he was totally asleep and then he pulled away from my wife's breast, opened his eyes, and said, "bubo," in a raspy voice and then proceeded to go back to sleep.

Cari and I talked about what we thought Grey might mean by the word "bubo" for awhile and then we joked about how granddad constantly repeated the word back to him in what we had determined was either an effort to communicate, or what was more than likely a desperate attempt to say something relevant to a ten month-old boy.  Often, when we go over to his house, granddad will have forgotten the most recent thing that we have been saying that makes Grey laugh, or he incorrectly mimics Grey's speech and I will admit, there have been times when I have thought less of him for not being more involved and staying engaged.  Is it too much to ask for a person to just stay in a room and pay attention to his grandson and possibly even his children or maybe his wife?

Later that evening I got a text from my mother that read:  "I just went in granddad's office to feed the cats and I looked at the legal pad on his desk.  Look at the entry at the bottom of the page."

You're off the hook, Granddad...

Interview with the Artist

The following is a pretend interview with a very real artist - it was originally initiated in early December of 2010.  Following a string of life altering events I sat down with Beau Matthew Adams as he tried to make sense of it all.  By "trying to make sense of it all", I mean to say that he was noticeably distracted.

So, I have been following your blog for a number of months and I have some questions about it.  Why the name, Kickball?
Good question, you know, you are the first person who has ever asked me that.  Two reasons, really.  One, because I wanted to convey how much fun writing is for me, and when I thought back to my childhood, I realized that one of the things that I enjoyed the most was playing kickball on the playground at recess during grade school.


And...
And what?


You said that there were two reasons that you named your blog Kickball.  What was the other one?
No, that was it.  Did I say that there were two reasons?  No, just the one reason.  That's it - just had fun playing Kickball when I was a kid.


Ooookaaayyy...  Well, let's talk about your childhood then.  You moved around a lot as a small child, how did-
Oh yeah, I remember the other reason now.  That's right - there were two reasons - I was right the first time.  The other reason was because nobody ever fucking reads this thing anyway, so who gives a shit?


I see.  So your early childhood, was it problematic to move so often?  Did it leave you with a sense of insecurity?
Yeah, there was a certain amount of "gypsy" to my family's existence, but I don't think that you understand that until you get older, you know?  I mean, I guess I figured that everyone moved around a lot until I met some people who told me that they had never moved at all.  I guess that is when I really started to realize that some families move around a lot, but some families pretty much stay put.

Interesting (sigh)...  So, do you think that has had a profound effect on who you are today?  On your writing style?  Or on how you approach your craft?
Well, perhaps...  If we could go back to the first question for a minute, I would like to say that the more I think about it, the more I realize that I really love those balls that we used to play kickball with on the playground. You know, those big red bouncy ones?

Yes, I am aware of the balls you are speaking of, quite a lot of fun, indeed.  What were you like as a teenager? 
I was a pretty normal teenager, I think.  I was full of self- doubt.  I always wanted to be someone else, that sort of thing.  I was quiet.

Were you a good student?
Not really.  I got pretty good grades for awhile, but then they kind of slipped and when I was no longer at the top of my class, I quit caring.  I wouldn't do any homework - I refused to spend my time at home working on school work, so I would work feverishly in each class during the day doing the homework that had been assigned in the previous class.  In the end, there was always some homework that didn't get done and I would try to finish that work on the day it was due during the actual class.  I would either whip right through it, or if I was too far behind, I would just copy someone else's work.  Inevitably, it was a horrible plan.

Did you enjoy college?
Parts of it.  I liked the coffee, doing crossword puzzles, and going to parties.  And I always enjoyed enrollment...ahh, the possibilities.

You were an English Major at Oklahoma State University.  Were you a good writer then?
No, but luckily for me, I thought I was.

Do you think that you are a good writer now?
No, I am not really a writer.  I just kind of live my life and try to transcribe it into the written language.  I am more like an inept stenographer than a good writer.

I know that you are also interested in yoga and music.  Are you particularly proficient at either of these pursuits?
I enjoy them, but I don't think that I am very good at them.  I'm the kind of person that is a little bit good at a lot of things, rather than very good at a few things.

How has that worked out for you?
Not that well.  It seems to be of more value to be really good at one thing than fairly average at a bunch of things.  There is not much interest in comprehensive mediocrity.

How will you make it work for you?
I am not sure - that's what I have been trying to figure out for my entire life.  I think that might be my life's purpose.

Why don't you just try to work on one thing and try to be really good at that thing?
I don't know, it's just not in me.  I don't enjoy just working on one thing.  I would be much happier working on a variety of things.

What if that doesn't exist?  What if that opportunity never presents itself?
First of all, let me say that I believe it will.  I guess that until it does, I'll just keep looking for it.  I'll just keep trying to find a way.  Maybe I can find a way and that will be an inspiration to others, to show them that there is a way.  I have a terrible feeling that there are a lot of people that feel the way I do, but would never even admit it to themselves.  I think that we toil in work because we invested time and money to earn a degree or master a craft, and proclaim to our families and the world that "this" is what we're going to do for the rest of our lives and we become petrified with fear when we get in the middle of it and discover that it is no longer enjoyable, or it has changed in a way that we cannot repair.  At that point, you can choose to leave it all behind, knowing that your efforts weren't wasted and that your knowledge will not be stripped from you, or you can continue to live in the fear of how the rest of the world will view you and put your head down, maintain your path, and ultimately come to some kind of peace while always working to quiet the "what-ifs" that tug at you.  It makes me sad that most people choose the latter.

So, you think that people who go to school, get a degree, and then pursue that profession throughout their adult lives are unhappy?
Not necessarily.  Some people just seem to know exactly what they want to be, and for them none of that is a waste of time.  However, I think that it is somewhat ludicrous to believe that the majority of 19 year-olds know exactly what they want to do every day for the rest of their lives.  I think what is more likely is that as a young person, you make the best choice you can based on the information that you have and then try to make it work for you as you go along.


You recently quit your high-paying corporate job to help your wife start her own business.  Is that the answer?
It's part of it.  It's not the whole answer, but it's part of it.  I was able to help her and get her set up on a path that gives her an outlet for her creativity.  That is of some value.

But that isn't enough?
No.  It was one of my goals, and certainly my immediate one, but I also need to find something that I enjoy doing creatively.  I also need my own enterprise or else I will just end up in the same spot of working to fulfill other's dreams.

Was it irresponsible to quit your job?
No.  It was not irresponsible, it was perhaps, irrational.  I have this quote that I like to try and remember, "To the rationally minded the mental processes of the intuitive appear to work backwards."  To me, it would have been much more irresponsible to stay in a position that I had become so unhappy to be a part of.

So, you have it figured out then?
No, not at all.  I am figuring it out as I go.  I have had to come to terms with that, but to think that anyone else is doing it any differently would be absurd.  Even the most self assured people are just figuring it out as they go along.  You have to become comfortable with that axiom.

What will you do next?
I am going to do all of the things I always claimed that I couldn't do because of my job.  I have to change things up.  It wouldn't do much good to claim that my job had held me back from accomplishing certain things just to quit my job and then not try to accomplish them.

What will you do for income?
Money will come.  It always does.  My only hope is to get closer to finding a way to marry my love of writing with my love of massive amounts of income and quality health insurance.

Are you scared?
Yes, I am.  Sometimes I am petrified and other times I am completely calm.  Ultimately, I am just banking on the calmness winning out...

My two best friends...

I am so proud of my best friend, Jason Coates.  He was recently let go from a job that he hated desperately, but very much thought that he needed to survive.  After what I know were some trying weeks full of indecision, he has picked up some work through an aquaintance and is making more money and having more fun than before.  Hopefully, this new job will continue to adapt and become the job he had always wanted, but didn't ever know how to get.


And my wife, Cari, my other best friend.  She has started her own company, Care More Art, and in addition to raising our child, has worked tirelessly and has taken every free moment to create.  Her talent, determination, and work ethic are amazing.  I truly hope that she will soon realize the profits from all of her hard work and sacrifice.  My wife is a brave and skilled individual.  She has pushed forward with no guarantee of success, and yet, she has already accomplished what so many people can never even imagine doing:  Attempting to Live the Life of Her Dreams.

I am so proud of both of my friends and am fortunate to have them around to inspire me...

Yesterday...

...was easily one of the best days of my life.  As I sit here now at 7:00 AM (because our son decided to wake up at 3:30 and is now taking what we believe to be his morning nap) I have a little time to reflect.  Here is what I did:

• Woke up at 5:30 with Grey and read some books (Hippos go Berserk!).
• Morning Yoga with Grey (mostly he just climbed on me and laughed).
• Topeca Coffee - best in the world.
• Made appointments, checked with vendors, balanced Care More Art spreadsheets, etc...
• Rode my bike to Dwelling Spaces to check on Care More Art display/stock.  Rode bike to mail cards.
• Played with my son when I got home.
• Ate leftovers from the previous night - spaghetti with meat sauce and mushrooms.
• After Grey's afternoon nap, we went to Hobby Lobby to get some materials for our artist in residence, Grey refers to her as "mammamma".
• Prepared one of my favorite dinners, "Baked Potato Bar".
• Gave Grey a bath and got him ready for bed.
• Watched Manhattan on television.
• Read an interesting article about having too many things - http://almostfearless.com/2008/06/02/the-10-unexpected-costs-of-owning-things/
• Sat next to my wife on the couch/massaged her legs.
• Went to bed.

It may seem like a very simple day, and it was, but that is the point.  All things in balance.  Some work, some play, some exercise, and a few good meals.  I didn't waste anything, I didn't buy anything that I didn't need.  Things were accomplished, but at a reasonable pace with little or no stress.  Every member of my family was happy and well.

This is what my life is supposed to be like...  These are the goals I have set...

I love my life and I am thankful for it.

Holiday Tour 2010!!!

Production Rider for Adams Family Thanksgiving Visit / Holiday Tour 2010

Please read and understand that the following items should be strictly adhered to during the Adams Family Visit(s) during the 2010 Holiday Tour.  It is in the best interests of the VENUE (various hosts of Holiday parties/meals) that these demands be followed if VENUE wishes for a return visit from TALENT (Mother/Father) and HEADLINER (Adorable Infant) in the year 2011 and beyond.  Furthermore, there shall be no amendment to this contract without express consent of TALENT.

LOAD IN:

VENUE should be aware that TALENT may arrive as much as 3 hours before/after scheduled event start time due to TALENT’s complete reliance upon HEADLINER’s unscheduled nap times.  There should be no derogatory remarks made in reference to the TALENT’s time of arrival as TALENT is completely out of control of this situation and can be rather sensitive at times, particularly around the holidays.  VENUE shall considered itself forewarned.

Upon arrival, SPECIAL GUESTS (invitees to VENUE), should make sure to give TALENT a wide berth and steer clear of asking too many questions of TALENT.  TALENT does not have the mental acuity it once had and will likely have been sequestered in TOUR BUS (compact SUV) with irritable HEADLINER for a number of minutes/some hours prior to arrival.  Upon greeting TALENT, it is best to simply hand TALENT an ADULT BEVERAGE (import beer/red wine/festive holiday cocktail) and offer to take HEADLINER for a few minutes - possibly performing a diaper change.  It is important to note that during these first 15-30 minutes, TALENT may not be able to speak coherently or operate small appliances/corkscrews/bottle openers/swizzle sticks.

TALENT will be responsible for preparing SIDE DISH (twice baked sweet potatoes).  However, TALENT will not necessarily be responsible for delivering SIDE DISH as recently TALENT cannot even remember what day of the week it is and may indeed leave SIDE DISH in their oven/near front door /on roof of TOUR BUS.  SPECIAL GUESTS/VENUE should make no mention of missing SIDE DISH, as this will make TALENT feel terribly insecure and lead to possible overeating/binge drinking.  SPECIAL GUESTS/VENUE should keep in mind the spirit of the season and cut TALENT some slack.

SPECIAL GUESTS/VENUE should make no comment as to the appearance of TALENT upon arrival.  TALENT has very little time to shower or perform even the most basic of grooming tasks.  When TALENT is not working for HEADLINER, TALENT often stares blankly at the wall across the room from themselves wondering how long it will be until HEADLINER will wake and resume his relentless assault on inertia.

DINNER PERFORMANCE:

TALENT is aware that SPECIAL GUESTS will be sharing the bill during the dinner portion of the show and TALENT will be obliged to interact.  The following are some topics that are considered off limits for discussion with TALENT:

1. TALENT’s recent unorthodox employment choices.
2. TALENT’s inability to dress themselves in a fashionable sense/adequately remove pet hair from clothing.
3. TALENT’s parenting skills/lack of parenting skills.
4. SPECIAL GUESTS should be careful not to tell stories about being “bored” or allude to having “too much time on their hands,” as this will infuriate TALENT and send TALENT into a blind rage.
5. It will be best to avoid any topic that is particularly cutting edge or deemed underground/hip.  TALENT has very little time to stay abreast of these cultural developments and will feel terrible having to feign interest in/lie about the knowledge of such things.

Options for discussion with TALENT:

1. The desire to place individual/corporate orders with TALENT’s new business.
2. The feature film, Babies - TALENT was very impressed with this movie and has some interesting things to say about it.

LOAD OUT:

TALENT will require ample portions of each dinner item in reusable/recyclable containers - TALENT has very strong feelings about waste of any kind, especially waste of food.

TALENT is interested in recent back issues of magazines belonging to VENUE that TALENT hopes it will someday find the time to read. 

TALENT will gladly accept open/unopened bottles of red wine for personal use during the weekly celebration of “Wine Wednesday” back at TALENT’s residence (SPECIAL GUESTS/HEADLINER not invited).

Thanks for being a part of the Adams Family Thanksgiving/Holiday Tour 2010.  We anticipate that this year will be the best ever!!!