How to Ruin Your Life in Just Eight Complicated Steps

My step-father used to have a chart hanging on his office wall in which were printed the necessary steps to achieve any goal, a mantra treated in calligraphy that read something to the effect:

Step 1: Figure out what you want.

Step 2: Figure out what is necessary to get what you want.

Step 3: Start doing those things today.

The simplicity of those words haunt me now as they did then, and though I now realize that they were not necessarily the prescription for finding one's life work, that's how I perceived them. Perhaps it was the calligraphy that gave the document a certain weight. Anyway, it seemed like these steps were to be followed for something more consequential than picking up a half-gallon of milk ("We need milk. Braum's has milk for just a little over a dollar. I have three dollars in my bank account, I'll go by there on my way home and pick some up. Success.").

When I used to wonder what I was going to do for a living (for like thirty years), these words mocked me. This little list, while simple, is deceptively charming. For example, the first step alone took me 38 years.

I've got a new list. Mine is not nearly as efficient, but it is way more fun.

Step 1: Figure out what you want. But more than that, figure out what you were born to do and don't deny it because you are afraid that people will think you are crazy (because they will, and quite possibly, you are).

This was the most difficult step for me. Not because it is difficult, but because I made it so. I have known that I was supposed to be a writer for most of my life (perhaps for all of it, if you believe in such cosmic intelligence, which, by the way, I most certainly do). It has almost always been the only thing that I am good at, the only thing I do with my brain that brings me joy. It should have been easy to choose to be a writer from very early on and then progress to the next step. Just one problem: I couldn't see how that was going to be possible. I didn't know anyone who made a living as a writer - I still know very few. I got majorly hung up on Step 2: How are you going to go about this whole affair?

I suggest throwing this step out.

Figuring out "how" to do something assumes that there is no universal intelligence, it presumes that only the power of the human brain is great enough to logically map out a solution, which if you know anything about the human brain, is just silly.

Here's what I now know: You don't have to know how it's going to work, that is not your position or your responsibility.

Think back on your life. Haven't there been about a million things that have happened to you that you could have never guessed were going to happen? You didn't set out a plan to make them happen, they just did. Remember?

I'll give you a few examples from my life: I never thought that I would move to Savannah, Georgia and yet in 1997, I did - sight unseen. I lived there for over seven years. I never thought that I would study horticulture and build golf courses, but I enjoyed that career for almost a decade. I never thought I would meet and marry (and subsequently get divorced from) a woman from Indiana. I never thought that I would live in Roanoke, Virginia or have a career in Sales. I never, ever, ever thought that I would live in Oklahoma again, the idea just did not appeal to me, but here I am since 2007, one of its biggest champions and critics. I never thought I would eventually be married to a woman who I knew only briefly when I was a young man many years previous. But, I did and now we have a beautiful baby boy (something I must admit I always thought would happen, although for a while I was beginning to wonder how). I never thought that I would do any of these things, but I am all the better for each of them.

Each of these things have happened with seemingly little concrete planning or goal setting. They happened because of intention. They happened because I decided there was something I wanted to change in my life, some new experience I wanted to have, and then the universe moved to create that for me. It may have never happened the way that I thought it would, or even the way I wanted it to at the time, but it happened when I quit worrying about how it was going to happen.

Step 2: Assemble an Army of Angels. You are going to need support.

I am fortunate. When I decided to quit my former career and begin the process of becoming a writer, I already had an entire support team in place.

First and foremost was my wife, who when I told her that I was no longer happy and I couldn't see a way that I could be unless I made a radical shift in my career arc, told me to do what I needed to do to change it. Mind you, this meant giving up an ample salary, great benefits and retirement package and ultimately, (perceived) security. She is one-in-a-million, which is exactly why she is my wife. I had to have a one-in-a-million type wife to be able to understand and support me. I now understand that finding her was one of the most integral initial steps in my "plan".

Secondly, I had friends and family members who supported and encouraged me throughout the process, even if they secretly wondered how I was going to pull it off. These people may have thought that I was bat-shit crazy, but at least they had the decency not to say it to my face. They gave me love and encouragement, bought lunches and dinners for my family, helped with babysitting duties and diapers, let me do odd jobs for them to make some extra money, gave us gift certificates to the grocery store, etc... Whether they did this because they believed in me or just because they didn't want to see my family suffer is inconsequential - they supported, that's what mattered.

I have a friend who is an extremely successful vintage guitar dealer. He helped me immensely by hiring me to assist him with his various guitar shows. About once a month, he and I would travel to some part of the United States and set up his wares in a large expo center. I helped him transport the guitars, set up his booth, drive the van, secure the money we made, etc... In turn, he would pay me well enough so that our family could get by. He has been dealing in vintage guitars for years, he has never had any help - he has never needed any. But, at this particular time he reached out to help me and I in turn, like to think that I helped him. One thing is for sure, I would have never made it without him.

You are going to need help, help that you cannot easily forecast - it will be necessary for a group of angels to emerge to assist you. Especially because of what is required in Step 3.

Step 3: Jump way off into the deep end. 

Sometimes you have to let go of what is in your hands in order to grab something new.

I was always taught that you don't leave one job without having another. This is not a bad thing to teach someone, but it simply doesn't always work out this way. Some of the greatest success stories in the world have come from leaving (or being removed from) a job with no backup plan in place. Necessity being the mother of invention and whatnot.

Working without a net dramatically increases focus and intensity. Yeah, it is brutal, but effective. It makes it impossible to be stagnant. You have to move in the direction you have chosen because there is no "safe ground" of an existing job. I would have loved to ease into a writing career while still earning large amounts of money in a sales position, but that was not my path. I would have never done it. I would have remained scared to put myself and my work out into the world if I already had the "security" of a full-time position. I had to take an action that was so bold that there was no turning back. Some people don't need this level of discomfort to serve as motivation, but I did, and when I got very quiet and really listened to my inner self, it kept telling me to "jump" and eventually, once the pain of not pursuing my dream outweighed the pleasure provided by the security afforded by my job, I jumped.

Step 4: Understand the power of intention. 

At the beginning of my unemployment, I was truly lost. I knew what I wanted to do, but could not bring myself to admit it to anyone. One day, a friend called me and asked if I would come and help him at the cabinet shop where he was working - his boss, the owner of the shop, was willing to pay $10/hour cash for some unskilled labor. I was happy to do it.

During one of our breaks, my friend told his boss how I had a left a great paying job at the height of the deepest recession our generation has ever known, and that I didn't even know what I was going to do next. To my surprise, this didn't strike his boss as irresponsible, or even moronic - he was interested. He asked me, "What do you want to do?"

Now this is key. I hadn't been able to publicly confess to anyone what it was that I intended to do at this point - I was still too afraid. But given the nature of the person asking, I figured there was no harm in giving it a shot. "I want to be a writer," I said.

The boss said, "Hmmm?  A writer, huh? Well, I don't know how to help you there. What are you going to do about it?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said - and I really didn't.

"Well," the boss said, "I'll tell you this. The best piece of advice I can give you is to tell everyone you meet that you quit your job and you want to be a writer."

"You think?"

"Yep," he said, "and here's why: Because nobody can help you if they don't know what you want - and you are going to need a lot of help."

He was exactly right. In order to create change you must have intention and you must make that intention known. I made it known to him that day, I went public in a very private cabinet shop. He couldn't help me, though. He didn't know any writers or editors. However, within hours, I noticed a Facebook post from a local publication searching for writers in Oklahoma. I replied with no credentials and no former published work (the only writing samples I offered were in this blog). Yet with some luck and determination, I became a published writer over the next few months and now, I am listed as a Contributing Editor to that publication (an organization full of angels). I made my intentions known, and the universe moved to meet me.

This is worth stating again: No one can help you achieve your goals if they don't know what you want.

Step 5: Pay attention: There are signs along the way.

A few months ago, my family and I were very nearly making it, financially speaking. Not quite, but close. With the money I was making from working guitar shows, writing for This Land Press and the money Cari was making from working several days a week, we were pretty close to being able to pay our bills. We had no insurance (although our child qualified for insurance through Sooner Care) and no other benefits. It was a lot of work and it was terribly inefficient, but we were better off than we had been. I kept thinking that if I could just get one more steady writing job, we would have enough money to really start to feel secure again.

One day, a friend of mine, a guy I had known when I was in grade school but had not spent any time with in over 25 years sent me an instant message (Facebook, again). It said: "I have a technical writer position that I am filling for a 90 day period. Likely to turn into a full-time gig. You interested in getting back into corporate America?"

My response: "I think I'm good where I am. But, I am so thankful that you thought of me."

Now why did I do that? I had said that I wanted another writing job so that I could feel secure and someone just offered me one and I turned it down.

In my mind, this job wasn't the right one. At first blush, it didn't look like the other writing job I was supposed to get. The other writing job I was supposed to get was going to look kind of like the one I already had, just in a different city or something. I wasn't paying attention.

Luckily, I realized my error (trying to control the "hows" of the situation) and reached out to my friend for further details on the position.

Now I work for a company that has afforded my family consistent pay, benefits, vacation, an office space downtown where I do my work and job satisfaction. I call this my anchor job. I work for this company remotely (there are no offices in Oklahoma), I have a great boss and I have the freedom to work unobstructed. I am thankful to have the opportunity and most of the people that I work with on projects are happy to have me there to help them. It doesn't hurt that the company I work for takes great care of their employees and seems to have not only a social, but also environmental conscience.

None of this would have been possible if I hadn't learned to pay attention to the true essence of what was being offered and thrown away my notions of what something was supposed to look like or feel like. I can guarantee you, now that I am performing this job on a daily basis, it looks and feels just right.

Step 6: Surrender. You will fail miserably. At that point, give up.

You know how they say, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again?" Well, I guess so. But in between all the failing and trying, I think it is important to completely give up.

I gave up writing so many times in the last two years- I will probably give it up some more in the future. Failure is brutal and it seems more personal in some disciplines than others.

You are going to try really hard at some point to make your dreams come true and you are going to fail, miserably. It's okay. You will regain the courage to try again - although, it may take some time. In that stretch of time between your miserable failure and your next effort (which will likely result in miserable failure), give up completely.

Now I'm not saying that if you want to be a painter and you fail to accomplish one of your goals that you should then give up painting until you feel like your ego has repaired itself. No, go ahead and paint if you wish. Just give up trying to be a success.

Trying to be successful is dangerous and ultimately pointless. First of all, there is no universal definition for the term. No two people view it in the same way. So forget it. Forget your own view of success and just surrender.

Early on in my attempt to become a writer I was struggling greatly. My God-brother, Gabriel (He's one of my angels, don't you know?), told me to stop trying to figure everything out and just put my ass, "in the river and go with the flow." A former boss of mine once told me, "It's like you're in a row boat and you're paddling and paddling. Sometimes, you just need to put down the oars and take a long look at the shore." I now understand this to mean: surrender.

Surrender should not be thought of as a negative. It is not giving up your power, rather it is turning over your perceived problems to a power that can actually do something about it. Look, if you have the intention and the belief and the effort, the only thing that can block the arrival of what you seek is you. This is what people mean when they say, "If only he could get out of his own damn way."

 So fail. Fail, and then flow. Turn over your issues, let go of your preconceived notions, surrender the "hows" of the situation to God or Allah or Buddha or the Universe or Yoda or whoever the hell it is that you believe is bigger than you. Trust me, it feels great to let these things go.

Step 7: Give Thanks.

There are about five billion great quotes on this subject. I won't use any of them here. Just be sure that everyday you are thankful. Be overwhelmingly thankful to even get a shot at having a life. Be thankful for the successes small and large and be thankful for the great and seemingly cataclysmic failures and misjudgments and stupid mistakes.

If you are really down and out and feeling as low as you have ever felt and you can't think of anything to be thankful for, then just say:

"Thanks for this shitty day; and subsequently, the shitty way it turned out. I really enjoyed making a complete and total ass of myself in front of the people I respect and admire. This is going along just swimmingly. I can't wait for tomorrow to see what kind of fucked-up plan is in store for me. Jesus Lord!"

At least you will start to laugh, and laughter is always helpful.

Step 8: Return the Favor.

When you make progress, take time to help others. It can be large or small. Just remember how much help you needed (and still will need) and take the time to send an e-mail, make a phone call or buy a beer for someone who needs encouragement. Do this to the absolute best of your ability. You are not too important or too stressed for time to return a call or e-mail to someone who just wants a little help.

All of this being said, I can't say I have made it yet. I'm not a success, I have had some success. I aspire to more.

Since I believe in taking my own medicine, I will say this: I intend to write a book, a novel. I intend on it being well-received by the types of people who think about such things. I should like to work on collaborative projects with other writers - I would like to see what that is like. I would like to have tremendous of amounts of fun while working on these projects, laughing, often uncontrollably. I would like to feel impulsive and sustained bursts of creativity during this venture - that type of thing makes me happy. I would also like to make large piles of money from these efforts - which would allow me to take vacations with, and provide for, my family.

And along the way I promise to pay attention, surrender, be thankful and help others as I am able.

Fuck that lame-ass three step chart.