Production Rider for Adams Family Thanksgiving Visit / Holiday Tour 2010
Please read and understand that the following items should be strictly adhered to during the Adams Family Visit(s) during the 2010 Holiday Tour. It is in the best interests of the VENUE (various hosts of Holiday parties/meals) that these demands be followed if VENUE wishes for a return visit from TALENT (Mother/Father) and HEADLINER (Adorable Infant) in the year 2011 and beyond. Furthermore, there shall be no amendment to this contract without express consent of TALENT.
LOAD IN:
VENUE should be aware that TALENT may arrive as much as 3 hours before/after scheduled event start time due to TALENT’s complete reliance upon HEADLINER’s unscheduled nap times. There should be no derogatory remarks made in reference to the TALENT’s time of arrival as TALENT is completely out of control of this situation and can be rather sensitive at times, particularly around the holidays. VENUE shall considered itself forewarned.
Upon arrival, SPECIAL GUESTS (invitees to VENUE), should make sure to give TALENT a wide berth and steer clear of asking too many questions of TALENT. TALENT does not have the mental acuity it once had and will likely have been sequestered in TOUR BUS (compact SUV) with irritable HEADLINER for a number of minutes/some hours prior to arrival. Upon greeting TALENT, it is best to simply hand TALENT an ADULT BEVERAGE (import beer/red wine/festive holiday cocktail) and offer to take HEADLINER for a few minutes - possibly performing a diaper change. It is important to note that during these first 15-30 minutes, TALENT may not be able to speak coherently or operate small appliances/corkscrews/bottle openers/swizzle sticks.
TALENT will be responsible for preparing SIDE DISH (twice baked sweet potatoes). However, TALENT will not necessarily be responsible for delivering SIDE DISH as recently TALENT cannot even remember what day of the week it is and may indeed leave SIDE DISH in their oven/near front door /on roof of TOUR BUS. SPECIAL GUESTS/VENUE should make no mention of missing SIDE DISH, as this will make TALENT feel terribly insecure and lead to possible overeating/binge drinking. SPECIAL GUESTS/VENUE should keep in mind the spirit of the season and cut TALENT some slack.
SPECIAL GUESTS/VENUE should make no comment as to the appearance of TALENT upon arrival. TALENT has very little time to shower or perform even the most basic of grooming tasks. When TALENT is not working for HEADLINER, TALENT often stares blankly at the wall across the room from themselves wondering how long it will be until HEADLINER will wake and resume his relentless assault on inertia.
DINNER PERFORMANCE:
TALENT is aware that SPECIAL GUESTS will be sharing the bill during the dinner portion of the show and TALENT will be obliged to interact. The following are some topics that are considered off limits for discussion with TALENT:
- TALENT’s recent unorthodox employment choices.
- TALENT’s inability to dress themselves in a fashionable sense/adequately remove pet hair from clothing.
- TALENT’s parenting skills/lack of parenting skills.
- SPECIAL GUESTS should be careful not to tell stories about being “bored” or allude to having “too much time on their hands,” as this will infuriate TALENT and send TALENT into a blind rage.
- It will be best to avoid any topic that is particularly cutting edge or deemed underground/hip. TALENT has very little time to stay abreast of these cultural developments and will feel terrible having to feign interest in/lie about the knowledge of such things.
Options for discussion with TALENT:
- The desire to place individual/corporate orders with TALENT’s new business.
- The feature film, Babies - TALENT was very impressed with this movie and has some interesting things to say about it.
LOAD OUT:
TALENT will require ample portions of each dinner item in reusable/recyclable containers - TALENT has very strong feelings about waste of any kind, especially waste of food.
TALENT is interested in recent back issues of magazines belonging to VENUE that TALENT hopes it will someday find the time to read.
TALENT will gladly accept open/unopened bottles of red wine for personal use during the weekly celebration of “Wine Wednesday” back at TALENT’s residence (SPECIAL GUESTS/HEADLINER not invited).
Thanks for being a part of the Adams Family Thanksgiving/Holiday Tour 2010. We anticipate that this year will be the best ever!!!
